I have an invite code if anyone is interested!

Hurray!

I've been stressed lately. At work, there are concerns and worries, and I'm not getting along as splendidly with one of the doctors as I wish I could. I come home, and my husband and I haven't been getting along as well either. I try to hide, tending to either have my clarinet at ready, or play on an online game that keeps me sufficiently distracted enough to not really care that my husband and I aren't getting along. Except, it doesn't work. If you hide from the problems, they still exist when you come out of hiding, sometimes much larger and much worse off than when you hid from them originally. I know this - I've known this for years. It, however, doesn't stop me from sticking my head in the sand.

So, I requested a mental health day from work and went for a walk.

I thought about where I would go on my walk for awhile, then decided I'd drive over to Tualatin Hills Nature Park, because it's one of my favorites, and it's fairly flat, which means less huffing and puffing and more thinking.

And then I spent the first 10 minutes of my walk silently arguing with myself. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, or why I was taking off of work to go on a walk. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to find any answers to anything just walking and not talking. And who I was asking the questions to? The trees were certainly not going to answer. Nor were the birds singing at me. I wasn't going to have any clearer answers walking than standing at work, holding a dog, drawing blood, setting a catheter, etc. But, I kept walking anyway.

That's about when I came to my first fork in the path. And I looked at my options. I had no idea where I wanted to go. No idea what I wanted to see. Where I needed to be. I didn't know which way to go. So, I chose the path that I don't often take when I'm there just because, well, I thought maybe the change of scenery would help. Shortly afterwards, I came to another fork. I paused a little briefer this time. I tried to figure out which way I wanted to go. Which way I *should* go, then decided it didn't matter. The idea was to walk, not to choose paths. So, I just turned and kept going. I came along another fork in the path and simply went a direction. I chose by virtue that I kept moving, but I didn't justify my choice to anyone - especially myself.

As I walked, I started questioning myself. And debating with myself. And arguing with myself. I feel stressed constantly. I'm finally back in music, and I think that's the one thing keeping me sane and grounded. Well, at least as sane and grounded as I have been. But, I never seem to be content or happy. I'm lazy. I'm reinvolved in ATS and seem to hide behind that shield as much as I can. It doesn't make me *happy*, but it certainly uses time and keeps me occupied. I continued walking. I started asking myself what the questions were at heart. And trying to find meaning. Searching for meaning, and not finding ANYTHING, but trying.

I came along a path that would take me to a pond. So, I took it. And I sat down and watched the pond for awhile. At this point, I'd been walking and taking random forks for the last 20 minutes or so. So, I started watching the water (I love water) and listening to the birds. After a few minutes, I decided I should move on, and started getting antsy over it. But, I was comfortable. And it was a beautiful day, and the pond was gorgeous - everything was green, the sun was out. Why should I move on? Because, came the voice in my head, you're sitting idle. You should keep moving. At that point, I told myself that I was there FOR ME. Not for other people, and I didn't have to worry about anyone declaring me idle or lazy.

So, I sat there for as long as I wanted. And, I saw movement on the other side of the pond. I stood up to look closer, and it was a blue heron. He paused and watched me. I stood still and watched him. Eventually, he waded out into the pond and started fishing. I could *feel* when he was about to jab at a fish after a couple of times. I could anticipate when he was about to lower his head. He was so beautiful. I simply watched him. I tried to take a picture with my camera phone, but it's not an iPhone so it sucked. That's ok, though. At the moment, it was the most beautiful thing ever. I turned and left the heron to his fishing.

Back up the path I wandered, pleased to have seen the heron. I came across a bridge. I love water, as I mentioned, so I paused on the bridge to watch the stream. A jogger passed by. I ensured I wasn't in his way and he paused after he passed me on the bridge. He pointed behind me, further downstream, and told me of the nutria that lives in the general area. He said that he likes to come out and forage for food occassionally. And then the jogger smiled kindly and wished me a good day. I wished him one as well, thanked him and started watching for the critter. He didn't come out, but that was fine. I decided to move on when I wanted to.

I continued across the bridge and down the path, following the stream. I was thinking about the nutria, and how I wasn't terribly disappointed that I didn't get to see him; afterall, I got to watch the heron, and that was cool. The path led me to a dead-end. I looked around for a little while, then turned around and walked back the way I came. I didn't feel frustrated. I didn't feel like I'd wasted time, even though I ended up nowhere. I didn't feel pressured to find a destination. I simply continued on, even though I had to backtrack. I also noticed that seeing the trees and stream from a different angle completely changed the perspective and the .. tone .. of the walk. It looked .. different. Still nice, just different. I got back to the bridge, wished Mr. Nutria farewell, and continued up the path. At this point, I decided maybe it was time to get back to my car.

So, I continued on, pausing to look at the path directional signs and following the signs back to the parking lot. The day was beautiful - very seriously beautiful. Not too warm, not too cool, light clouds dotting the sky. Gorgeous. I started thinking. You know, I've had low self-esteem most of my life (read: all), and I used to think that I was so lucky that Steve chose ME. Of everyone he could have chosen, why ME? Why not someone better? Prettier? Thinner? Smarter? More confident? More active? More influential? More ANYTHING ELSE? But despite this, I realized that I chose him, too. I had boyfriends in college. And I left most of them - a couple left me, but you know. That happens. For the most part, I left them, for one reason or another, some good reasons, some bad reasons, but regardless. I chose HIM every bit as he chose ME. It was then about love. And I do still love him, despite how much of an ass he can be. I don't want to leave him, and though we may be approaching an impass where something will have to give for us to be happy together, we're not there yet.

I continued walking. While walking, I looked around. I decided that even though I wasn't seeing everything on my walk, I wasn't missing a thing. Everything I saw was beautiful. Each trillium was different, unique, beautiful. And even if I didn't see them ALL, the ones I did see made me smile. I continued walking on. I discovered that even if I didn't have a destination chosen, I was still content with the path I was taking. It's cliche - that you should be happy with the journey. But, that's honestly how I felt. I walked, and I arrived. I could choose my path, or I could simply allow myself to be taken along the paths. Either way, I still arrived. I let myself get lost, and I allowed myself to find the path leading back to my car - back to the real world. Origin didn't matter that day. Destination didn't matter. Only the journey. Only refocusing and recentering. Finding balance within myself again.

One of the latest fights I've had with Steve is that I don't have goals for myself. I don't have ambitions. Let me explain something. When I set a goal - I go above and beyond to meet it. I become very focused. Very tunnel-visioned. I will see that goal, or I will die trying. I can't possibly focus on other things - I become almost OBSESSED with realizing the goal. Goals and ambitions are VERY stressful for me. If I want something, I want it NOW. I don't want to wait - I don't have the patience to wait. I never have. That's when I realized I'm an EXTREMELY lucky person. I don't mean as in 'fortunate at this point in life', I mean, I have some sort of luck charm on me that works in OVERTIME. Things fall in my lap. I tend to be in the right place at the right time. I look at people and simply know to remember them, that I'm going to need something from them later, or to remember minor details that seem insignificant at the time, but months later are incredibly important. When something bad is about to happen to me, something completely unexpected intervenes. I'll be doing something I shouldn't be (like maybe driving a little faster than is expected) and decide that I should slow down (very randomly) and end up finding a speed trap a mile down the road. The strangest strokes of luck - once or twice, can be coincidence, but I seem to LIVE in it. And I don't even appreciate it. There are people who are SO good to me, and I often times forget about them. I don't appreciate everything I have, and instead focus on what I want; where I want to be; what I want to do - even without setting goals, I know I do this.

And that's when I let go, as I turned the corner to take me back to the parking lot. It wasn't in view yet, but it would be soon. I let go. For a few moments, then, I was happy with who I was, grateful for those around me, knowing that I'm lucky beyond belief, in love even if not completely content, but most of all, pleased with my journey. The destination will be there whether I set it for myself or not. The origin has already been there, whether I'm happy about it or not. My journey is the only appreciable thing I have that I can affect, that I can tangibly enjoy, that I can for sure appreciate.

And my journey, though it made my legs hurt, brought me back into a peaceful harmony. Which is much more than I could have ever asked for.

feeling: contemplative

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ngeran

feeling: happy and loving

I loves my Sunnie, I do.

feeling: sleepy

I haven't had one of these for awhile!

First concert went.. amazingly well. I love it. I've been invited to stay permanently with the orchestra. Yay!

And, one of the oboe players shared this funny funny joke - it made me think of you, Sunnie!



Why were the viola players standing outside?


Because they couldn't find the key and didn't know when to come in!


*slap knee, giggle insanely*

giggle.

feeling: post-performance high

I started orchestra yesterday. No, really. I packed up my clarinet, drove myself over to Hillsboro, sat down, and played for a couple of hours with a group of people who sound much more amazing than I had assumed they did. At first, it was rough. Sight reading has never been my ... strong point .. and that's what I was doing, all the while thinking, "What the HELL am I DOING here? I don't hold a candle next to many of these people!" After awhile, I stopped thinking and started playing and felt a lot better.

At one point, one of the flute players turned around and introduced herself, then exclaimed, "You sound SO WONDERFUL!" I stared at her and wondered just what was in that water bottle she brought with her. We talked for awhile, and she was surprised to find out I have only been back to playing for about 1.5 years. Come to think of it, so am I.

But, now I'm playing where I'm supposed to be playing again. Symphony Orchestra. That is where I belong. It just took me awhile to get there.

Now, to get my sight reading while transposing music back up to par.

I'm in orchestra! Hurray me!

feeling: pleased

Portland got snow. Like, wow, snow. Like, impressive even for an Iowan snowfall snow. 13 inches, in fact, measured on our upper deck (I hope it's still there - the deck, not the snow) before we left for Iowa. We were required to buy chains for our car. No shit. This is something that's... strange... for us. 27 years of living in Iowa, 11 of it driving in awful winters, and not once did I ever think chains were even necessary. Apparently, when you have hills/mountains and a metro area that does not get snow regularly (read: in decades), and thus doesn't have the infrastructure to handle safely clearing the roads, chains become necessary.

I could detail the number of adventures in driving a chained up Prius I've had over the last week or so, but. I'm sure you can find similar adventures by finding anyone's blog from Portland. For the record, even with chains, you still need to know how to drive in winter conditions - which Portlanders by and large DO NOT. Trips to the grocery stores, shopping mall, Fred's and work were all accomplished with a minimal amount of stress, but, still - FOUR WHEEL DRIVE DOES NOT MAKE YOU INVINCIBLE, PEOPLE NOR DO TIRE CHAINS.

We somehow miraculously made it to Iowa - after a 3-hour delay at PDX to get *into* MSP. We, naturally, missed our connecting flight into CID, but managed to get on one that left late that night, getting to my aunt's house around midnight and eventually Davenport (Steve's parent's house) around 2am. I can't even begin to describe how awful it was, but, we made it. And spent Christmas with Steve's dad, brother and sister-in-law. All-in-all, good. I refused to get up for church the next morning, and nobody seemed to be put-out with it. Apparently, it was understandable that I was tired. ;)

Yesterday was spent hanging out, then we came back to Cedar Rapids to spend time with my family. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of steam created from suddenly melting several inches of ice within the span of a few hours. The temperature rose to 51F, which led to ... extreme... foggy conditions to drive through. We made it, but I have to wonder if that was an act of God in of itself.

Today, the cousin (brother) and his wife made it out and we had a great time opening presents, watching movies, shopping and generally catching up on friend gossip. My cousin has a corvette now. Which is, um, ok. Right. Sure. =D

Today's quote of the day, for those playing along at home is: Wait... wait wait wait. Are you telling me that my mother sells ... sex toys?

Sadly, the answer to that was 'yes'.

Christmas has been good to me so far.

feeling: tired

Holy crap. How can eyes *be that blue*?

Oh. And Star Trek preview? I can't wait to see Spocklar kicks James T. Kirk's ass! =D

I have an interest in anesthesia in veterinary medicine. There is a specialty where one can become a VTS (Anesthesiology) - basically, a Veterinary Technician Specialist in this field. I have, up until tonight, seriously considered pursuing that career. Now, I'm reconsidering.

I work in a general hospital. The requirements to attain a specialty in anesthesiology are... amazingly difficult. I know of people in surgery practices who have difficulty fulfilling the requirements to just sit for the board exam. I have no intention of leaving my hospital any time soon (especially after this coming weekend - I'll be locked in a contract for at least another year because my employer is sending me to CVC - on one hand, hurray! job security! on the other, ugh.), and even if I did, I'm not quite ready, I don't feel, to jump into specialty again. I loved it, and someday I want to be there again, but, I do like seeing the puppies and kittens, and I do enjoy actually KNOWING my clients. Getting treats. Having those select few that you'd do anything for and you'll hand out your cell number? Yeah. I kinda enjoy that.

Now, with that said, it's not IMPOSSIBLE to get those requirements. I just have to find a few specialty hospitals or diplomates who are willing to teach/foster me through. And that's not hard. I have full faith that I'll find many willing surgeons and other specialty veterinarians to help me through it. The problem is, the goals have to be completed IN ONE YEAR. I'd have to take the prior year to build my cases and get my CE in. Then prepare for the board exam, which would probably take a few more months. we're talking possibly 3 years of doing nothing but eating, sleeping and thinking anesthesiology. Especially since I'm in a general practice and won't have many of the same benefits others enjoy at specialty hospitals.

Tonight, however, I nurtured my other love. I feel like I'm leading a double life. I went to an Oregon Symphonic Band concert tonight and... I remembered everything I was missing in music in my life. I have the quintet, and I'm happy (more or less) in it, but... there's just something else missing. And I found it tonight. It's that amazing meld of many instruments - the challenging, but moving music, the magic that just... surrounds... an ensemble like that. I realized tonight, when thinking about rehearsal schedules and such that I cannot do both. I have to choose.

Do I want to further nurture the returning music in my heart and soul, or do I want to pursue my brain's delight in my career? That's where I'm at.

Tonight, that decision was easy. Next Saturday when I'm sitting in anesthesiology lectures in San Diego, it's probably going to be more difficult again. I want to do both, but I can't devote my entire being to both all the time, and I'd essentially need to.

I am a veterinary technician, but that's not *who* I am. I'm also a musician. I'm a cat lover. I'm a gamer. I'm a geek. I'm a friend. I'm a wife. I am a combination of a lot of things, and I'm not going to let my career overshadow where my heart and soul are trying to lead me.

I *need* music in my life. Music is so much a part of me that it *hurt* when I wasn't playing for years on end - I was *empty* without it. I can't return to that.

Later this week, I'll likely be joining the Hillsboro Symphony.

feeling: contemplative

Don't spread this out to multi-click websites, please? Kthanks.



I hope it's a cute one!

feeling: silly

Dear Senator McCain,

You keep calling me your friend. If you really want to be my friend, I point you at the means to become my friend.

Be sure to purchase shipping insurance.

Love and bunnies,
Patty

feeling: politcal

So, a friend of mine has been posting all his virtual adopted dragon eggs, and every time I looked, there wasn't one available. Until today! Hurray!



But, if people don't click it, it will die. Sadness.

feeling: amused

If anyone ever had a bunch of money they didn't really know what to do with and REALLY wanted to get in my good graces, I point them at my new obsession. There are a couple of Yamahas on there that I would actually consider playing, too. This one, for instance.

Yes, I know Yamahas have a better name than Selmer (perhaps not Selmer Paris, though) in saxophones, but I have clarinet so ingrained in me... besides, I'm not entirely sure I'll ever have my sax playing up to professional level.

It's been far too long since I've had one of those in my hands. Steve gives me hope that one day I may have one again, but it'll be a long, long, long time from now (years down the road). The sad thing is, it'll probably take a good, solid year or two to rebuild my tone and technique. But, my clarinet playing is actually back up to about where I left off at Iowa State, which gives me hope that I can get my sax skills back quicker.

Sigh. God, I want it. So pretty. =(

feeling: wistful

Jesus. It's October already.

And Lowe's had their Christmas stuff out since before yesterday.

Sigh.

feeling: busy

So, yesterday I popped into the bathroom for unmentionable necessities and a quick glance at the mirror had me do a double-take. There was A LARGE AMOUNT OF LIGHT glistening at the top of my head. I stopped, stepped closer to the mirror and examined, thinking I managed to get something in my hair.

To my horror, I discovered a WHITE hair - not grey. IT WAS GLEAMING WHITE. Completely colorless and somehow emitting light - think "unicorn". And completely indestructable. I mean, you could have sewn a hole in your jeans with this baby. I did what any 31-year-old horrified woman would do. I got a death grip on it and removed it from my head before it had a chance to infect the perfectly healthy brown hair that surrounded it.

My pleas to my coworkers about the meaning of this unearthed travesty fell on deaf ears. I am alone in my horror; even my husband doesn't spare a ounce of concern for the fact that I'm going WHITE (not grey).

It's the end of an era. It's time to think of rockers, walkers and orthopedic shoes.

feeling: HORRIFIED

I am deeply dismayed at the rumours I heard from the Linux Plumbers Conference. I heard that Matthew Garrett MANHANDLED Linus Torvalds and KICKED HIM OUT OF A SESSION!

Poor Linus. =(

feeling: DISMAYED

I try to... not really post much on politics for various reasons. Mainly because I don't really want my own LiveJournal to become a battleground where I feel I have to defend myself and my beliefs against attacks and what-have-you. See, if there's one thing I've learned in a long life on the Internet, it's that everyone has an opinion, and it's rare to see those opinions shared in a respectful manner.

However, this election season, I feel strongly enough that I've actually put a bumper sticker on my car (Steve's still shocked - I allowed a bumper sticker to touch my Prius. What he doesn't realize is once I'm done speaking my mind on this issue, I have a bottle of Goo-Gone.). I honestly feel we have a *chance* at something better than we've had ... in a long time, and I finally identify with a politician for the first time in my LIFETIME. For the first time in my LIFETIME, I see a politician I can honestly BELIEVE in. Yes, he's human, yes, he's going to have made mistakes (and probably will make them), but, he's good people - he's HONEST. And I said this all several years ago when he was running for Congress from Illinois, so it's not just the Obama-hype that's gripped the nation. (Which, I don't really see it as Obama-Hype, but whatever.)

I cannot even begin to describe the amount of hatred and anger I feel towards the McCain/Palin campaign. I could go on for hours why I feel so angry, but it doesn't really matter, because I'm not going to reach the people who need to hear it most, and even if I did, they wouldn't listen to me. People are buying into that horse and pony show because either they're die-hard Republicans (who don't even know what they really want anymore) or they're stupid. It's that simple. And I don't have the patience to cultivate their ability to think for themselves.

But, there you have it. I likely won't post anything more this election season unless I froth at the mouth.

feeling: contemplative

You return to taekwondo after a 3 (almost 4!) month break, are breathing heavily during warm-ups, and despite stretching profusely at the beginning, still pull something with one of your first side kicks.

But, you've done this a few times when your initial response is, "Damnit. Stairs are going to suck tomorrow." not "Ow ow ow ow ow" (that comes next when you try to stretch it back out).

But? Stairs ARE going to suck tomorrow. And Thursday. Oh god the pain - I can almost feel it now. Sigh. I'll try stretching it again this afternoon. And tonight. And tomorrow morning. Ya'd think I would have learned by now. :P

feeling: calm

The remodel on the condo is ... happening. Finally. Though extremely slowly. We pulled up the old flooring awhile ago, and have since been fitting the Hardibacker to the subfloor so we can tile the dining room and kitchen (the cabinets and new counters have been done since May). Sunday and yesterday was entirely mortaring and laying/screwing in the Hardibacker. I'm not kidding. TWO FULL DAYS and multiple trips to Home Depot/Lowe's to get what we forgot/didn't know we needed/ran out of... dave256 gave us some assistance last night in trade for food, but it still seems like a way too daunting process and I'm sore and whiny and gah, we still have to lay the damned tile.

Which is what we do today. Yes, we've been working on this at every chance we get (ok, it's noon now and neither of us have showered or gotten ready to leave yet) - last weekend and then this weekend, and this coming weekend we'll be working as well. And in between, I get to work! I'm so tired. And I'm so ... gah. I want to rest. I think I'm getting sick, too. But, I'm just whining. It feels like I rode a horse all day yesterday for the first time in years! What the hell!

It's just so much easier to wrestle a large, fearful dog, or contort oneself to hang on to a hissing, spitting fractious cat than it is to lay this crap! :P

feeling: sore

Per recommendations of my acupuncturist (and a friend!), I.. have been making some dietary.. modifications. Added fish oils to my diet (ok, capsules with lemon juice in them, too. Hey - the burps are at least not fishy-tasting!) and milk thistle.

I've managed to reduce the sugars I take in by more than half. I don't know exactly how I managed that, but I've been keeping it up for about 2 weeks now. The important thing I need to remember is that it's ok to slip once in awhile and have something, but I need to hold myself accountable for it, and make it a "once in awhile" thing, not an everyday thing.

The first week was.. rough. I was a little snippy and bitchy. This last week was a bit easier, and I was experimenting with baking a bit to help transition from eating too many processed sugars to having fruits and *healthy* sugars. (I like this idea better than simply cutting sugars altogether. I have way too much of a sweet tooth for that!) I made a delicious blueberry crisp and some nice blueberry ... cookie/scones. The crisp was amazing, and I managed to cut the sugars from 1 cup to 1/4 cup (plus a 1/4 cup of honey). Next time I make it, I might even drop the sugar down another 1/2 (1/8 cup sugar). I still have plenty of blueberries - I just need to make sure at least one of the quart-sized bags remains in the freezer for winter. I go nuts in the winter without berries. I'm glad I bought that 5 pound box - it'll keep me nice and happy for awhile. (And I learned that frozen blueberries taste like CANDY.)

This coming week I'm to try to reduce dairy a bit. This.. scares the crap out of me. I've already reduced how much cheese I eat on a daily basis. And now more? Well, I'll at least TRY. Again, it's ok to break or splurge once in awhile - I just need to make it a habit that it's a once in awhile thing as opposed to a "eh. I failed yesterday, what's the point?".

So far so good. I'm down about 10 pounds since just cutting the sugars, going into my third week of that. I'm feeling better and a bit more energetic - still not ready to run a marathon, but, maybe good enough to take a long walk tomorrow over lunch? We'll see. =)

I'm once again making the goal to cook at home at least 3 times a week. Once I can do this regularly, then I'll try to increase the goal again. For now, I think this is at least a worthy goal. I just need to get back into the habit of planning meals, having things on hand, and having a couple of things ready for "back-ups" that can be quickly thrown together for a quick, filling, healthy meal (like lemon pepper chicken).

So:

1) Less sugars - going well! Keep going!
2) Keep up on herbs and supplements (fish oils particularly)
3) Less dairy - going to be rough, but I'll manage!
4) Home cooking at least 3 times a week.

I'm not so much concerned about the weight loss (though it's a nice side-effect) as I am about generally feeling better. The depression has been.. extremely limiting lately. It'll be nice to break that, and anything that might do that at this point I'm willing to try. I'd also like to feel better in general. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of aching everywhere. I'm tired of *wanting* to do things, but feeling overwhelmed by the ideas of doing them. I live in a beautiful part of the country! I just moved to a beautiful area of Portland! Why am I not enjoying it?!

feeling: pensive